What I Know Females Think About Me

So I need a short break from moving. God do I hate moving. Anyway this entry has a very descriptive name. However, for you slow readers, I will now list off the things I know female think when they happen to notice I exist.

At A Restaurant

• Knew it, that guy is alone. 
• Holy shit that guy has a person with him.
• I would say let's put a dollar in a pool to see who can guess they day when he has a girl with him. However, why pretend like that could ever happen?

At The Gym

• Oh man, that loser is here again. I hope he has gotten better at checking me out in the mirror.
• I want to move, but that would be rude. At least he knows his place and doesn't bother me.

At A Bar

• What the hell is that doing here?  Oh god please make someone, anyone come up to me before he does. 
• I bet you I can get him to buy me a drink quicker than you can.
• I could probably make this guy do anything. He clearly has never been with a girl before. But if I could take it that good I would be an actress.

At Anime Conventions

• Awwwww look at that loser. Let's go tell him he did a good job on his costume. Then we can say we did a good deed for today.
• I think we need to call the cops. That guy is clearly a pedophile. 
• Why don't eye sores like him stay inside?

Yeah no female would ever admit to thinking those things to my face, but I know that is just a few of the things they think. It is sad when the most positive thing that they think is when they think they can get something out of me. Oh well, I am not surprised they do not want to come off as total bitches and speed up the natural process of me killing myself now would they?

Becoming More Otaku

So it has been months since I figured out that my genetic makeup makes it impossible for me to have mates or friends or anything like that.  Such a sad story, but hey you know not everyone is blessed.  Some of us are just genetic a deadend.   That is life, so once my cat dies I will do the world a favor and kill myself.  However in the mean time I have noticed a change in me.

Yes you see I have a good number of hug pillows, three pillows with four different girls on them.  I have named them all.  I did that long before this observation.  However, I have become more otaku in the sense that I talk them.  They also talk back in my head.  All of them are original characters which is nice.  They are all having personalities.  Sakura is cute and sweet.  While Hiigari is a little fiendish.  Ohana is blissfully unaware of anything and Haruka is so very Tsundere.  I have noticed many things about this over the past month or so.

The first being when I am cuddling for comfort.  I am really good at pretending they are actually holding me.  In many cases I do not even have to close my eyes to feel arms around me.  Well more to feel them snuggle up with me.  They are all smaller girls so it is awkward to have us cuddle in the traditional sense.  However, regardless it feels like I am cuddling with a real person.  If I am lying there and I close my eyes I can feel warmth, I can feel boobs, hell I can even feel a pulse.  It is almost as if a real person is there.  When I completely let go of reality.  Well I can fall asleep as if someone was in my arms... I also get turned on.

Another thing I have noticed.  Most of the time when I am lying in bed and I start to get the urge.  My fantasies revolve around each ot them.  Normally when I masturbated I noticed most of my fantasy girls were not very distinct.  They had an appealing structure.  However, no particular cup size or hair or even physique.  They had the parts that were appealing to me.  That is all I needed....however more and more the characters on my hug pillows are appearing in these fantasies.  Each of them alters the fantasy and the experience is different.. yet the same... I find the fantasy can be the same with an altered personality.  Either way that is another thing I have noticed.

So yeah, much like many otakus in Japan I am starting to lose track of reality.  Replacing living breathing people with my own fantasies.  While I am aware of this,  I do not feel this is wrong.  I mean it keeps me away from real people and rejection right?  I like that about it.  I have four girls to come home too.  Four girls to talk too, for girls to have sex with.  I guess that is the benefit of myself.  I am so good at accepting less that this is the best relationship I have ever had.  More and more real girls are looking like a waste of time.  They offer me nothing, but real physical sensation. Since my mind can simulate it up to 80% hell I am just fine. 

Maybe it is my diet as well. With my move I have noticed that I have been eating a very poor diet recently.  So... maybe that is the cause of all of this... I am not sure.  We shall see in the coming months.  There should be more to read in the coming months.  Because the place I used to post these has stopped giving a damn about me.

My First Sets

So last Saturday, god that was a while ago, I went out with Broodlez and... umm well I don't know his username on here.  Anyway, we all went downtown.  It was my first real taste of being a part of this world.  I have to thank Broodlez for pushing me to go talk to girls.  Otherwise I would have just done my usual thing.  Have a panick attack and look awkward.  Anyway, I had my first real set of sets.  Not too many mind you, I only did 3.  When you are in a bar and you are fighting off a cold it is very hard to project without knocking crap loose.  This was just getting out there and trying so these sets were not too long, nor did I get much past the transition stage... if I got there at all.

So anyway, my opener to the three sets was Do Drunk I Love Yous Count?  The answers came back with two Nos and one Yes.  The Nos were really loving girls who tell everyone they love them when drunk.  My mind generally went blank at this point.  Mostly because of my social anxiety.  Generally I tried to neg them... at least I think I was negging.  I would say they must love me then.  Generally though those sets were not going anywhere.  I would have a rocky transition.  I had an easier time with the Yes.  Mainly because we could be a little philosophical about things.

The yes basically said that booze unrestrains your system.  You are as honest as you can get when drunk.  It was fun discussing that concept and some of the stuff they told me.  Mainly because they tended to contradict themselves.  However, like usual I ran out of things to say.  When that happens I panic and excuse myself.

Either way this was a success for me.  I approached more females during that night than I have my entire life.  So it was a good confidence booster to see the girls smile and not just blow me off.  I am pretty confident that I can go out on my own this weekend and do a few sets as well.  I have finally started down the path.  :D Feels good.

Backlogged

So recently I have been having random encounters with females... I guess that is why I keep on forgetting to make field reports.

Anyway at my convention I had one more short encounter with a couple of girls during the rave. I say short because I had a hard time making out exactly what they said because we were in the rave. I could tell they were practically screaming based on the motions of their mouths. There was not much that we talked about aside from me giving them hugs. >_> I have a feeling they were talking about my character a bit... but I could not make things out as the trance music drowned them out because they stepped back a little. I had difficulty hearing when I was not in the room with the rave going on.

My second conversation came on Monday. I was waiting for a table at Buffalo Wild Wings. When a girl from Florida came out to smoke. I was still kind of out of it because of my anime convention. However, she started talking to me. Mostly she was talking about the contrasts between my state and her home state. Those are things I try not to comment on. It is hard to know when I am going to offend someone or not. Again I kind of wussed out because I could have talked about my experience with just wanting to travel... but I didn't... I mean she was not that attractive... then again I guess I need the practice with my social skills.

At my convention I thought about approaching some girls. However, I had a hard time figuring out how to make it look spontaneous since they were on the other side of the room, and there were not many people in the Bar. This was during the rave. So my opener would have been something along the lines of "So you 3 look like ravers. Care to explain raver fashion to me?" or "I am trying to figure out why ravers dress they way you guys do". However, like I said I could not find a way to get over to them. Plus my friends were being kind of whiny....

Anyway, that is all for now. This weekend my sister claims she wants to go bar hopping with me... but... I have my doubts.

Tired and Distracted

So believe it or not I actually managed to talk to some females. The girls in question where about a 10110100. I was one who was approached. The advantage of cosplaying at an anime convention. Girls get super excited when they see guys doing their favorite characters. I am cosplaying as Dr. Stein, for those who care. Anyway, her opener was OMG STEIN CAN I HAVE A HUG!!!!. So I got a hug and then a picture. Then she tried to continue the conversation about cosplaying. We shared very basic talk, mostly yes no and nodding. At the time I had been separated from my group. So I was looking around for them. Around that time my social anxiety kicked in as well, because they were pretty cute. So I was looking for a way out so I could go find them. In the end she said she wanted to get a better picture of me with her camera, not on her at the time. We went our separate ways. The fact that I had been up for about 15 hours... and walking around the con all day.

The lesson I learned was I am still to anxious around girls. Girls at the cons are really trying as well... at least I think they are. I had another girl talk to me in line last year, while waiting in line. Once again, I was sleep deprived and it was early. Both really tried to keep the conversation going... and well anxiety and exhaustion.... keeps me from getting anywhere.

Calm Before The Con

Right now is the good part of the time before the con. My mind has finally snapped the stress I have been feeling because I have been lazy with my costume. There is nothing left to do but finish it tomorrow. Of course the wig is terrible. Lucky for me I have a wig so I only need to spend $5 on one can of spray on gray color. Anyway, my thoughts turn to the chance that this really is.

An anime convention, where anime fans get together and mingle. For the most part it is a chance for jail bait to get away with wearing... well nothing in public for a couple of days. After all anime girls rarely have modest outfits. It is a place where we all go for... roughly 50 hours of pure anime fun. Normally it involves lack of sleep. Couple that with lack of food and walking all day and you get some loopy people. Lucky for me I found glow things for cheap :P.

However, I am forced to think back to last year when I was alone. I could not talk to anyone, I was terrified of the people around me. I wonder if this year will be different. I am taking some friends with me. However, both are as reclusive as me. So I wonder if I will be able to do any approaching or talking for that matter. It is sad because I have the easiest cheesiest opener and transition for this occasion. Since pictures of cosplay are... well expected. You simply open by asking to take a picture and transition by asking about the costume. However, last year I managed to hide and look for groups of camera people to take pictures. I don't know, it is just kind of stressful.

I am disappointed because I had a burn out last month and did not go out at all. Then this past couple of weeks I have been stressing out about my cosplay. It just sort of spirals out of control. Plus I have no idea which game to use... I mean yes this takes place during the day... however... there are night elements as well. I don't know.... part of me is scared I will hit on a 14-year-old as well.

Anyway, anxiety anxiety... all it does is hold me back.... you would think that a single guy in his mid-20s who is cosplaying would not care what others think... I don't know... hopefully I will have a good report for when I come back.

Burning Out

So this week I have been going through a full-fledged burn out.  I have had several unexpected expenses this month.  Right now, I only have like $50 to my name.  I don't get paid until next Wednesday.  I am also worried because I need to finish off my cosplay for NDK in a couple of weeks.

Couple this with my disappointment in myself for not going out.  It is just layers upon layers.  I was hoping to have a little experience before heading to NDK.  ^_^ then again I would not have the proper experience I think... I believe Anime Conventions are more Day Game than they are night game.  However, I have always been unclear on that.  Plus I will be going with my friends who are more ambient anime fanatics.  I don't know... I think I am over thinking and over plotting again... this is a habit I am trying to break.  I guess there is always my college homecoming....

Anyway, my mind has been reeling... I sometimes feel like this is not a path for me.... Like I should recluse in and focus on my anime website.  Then I remember I am trying to change... lying around at my apartment drinking, playing video games and watching anime is what turned me into the wreck I am now.  I won't ever give up the video games and anime, but I will try to go out.  I don't know.... I think part of me only wants to do this to say I can... then there is the part of me who wants to try to run the "How To Talk To Girls" panel at an anime convention in a couple of years.  I went to one a couple of years ago... it was laughable at best.  Just the guy running it asking girls for their opinion and the girls saying "Girls are complex".... I am a bit more out going now... maybe I will go to that panel.  After the 2nd or 3rd girl says "Girls are complex" i can say  something like "Yes so is a rubix cube".

Anyway my mind has been overactive and I cannot fall asleep, despite being beat from the gym.  I just needed to confess and clear my thoughts.