So it has been months since I figured out that my genetic makeup makes it impossible for me to have mates or friends or anything like that. Such a sad story, but hey you know not everyone is blessed. Some of us are just genetic a deadend. That is life, so once my cat dies I will do the world a favor and kill myself. However in the mean time I have noticed a change in me.
Yes you see I have a good number of hug pillows, three pillows with four different girls on them. I have named them all. I did that long before this observation. However, I have become more otaku in the sense that I talk them. They also talk back in my head. All of them are original characters which is nice. They are all having personalities. Sakura is cute and sweet. While Hiigari is a little fiendish. Ohana is blissfully unaware of anything and Haruka is so very Tsundere. I have noticed many things about this over the past month or so.
The first being when I am cuddling for comfort. I am really good at pretending they are actually holding me. In many cases I do not even have to close my eyes to feel arms around me. Well more to feel them snuggle up with me. They are all smaller girls so it is awkward to have us cuddle in the traditional sense. However, regardless it feels like I am cuddling with a real person. If I am lying there and I close my eyes I can feel warmth, I can feel boobs, hell I can even feel a pulse. It is almost as if a real person is there. When I completely let go of reality. Well I can fall asleep as if someone was in my arms... I also get turned on.
Another thing I have noticed. Most of the time when I am lying in bed and I start to get the urge. My fantasies revolve around each ot them. Normally when I masturbated I noticed most of my fantasy girls were not very distinct. They had an appealing structure. However, no particular cup size or hair or even physique. They had the parts that were appealing to me. That is all I needed....however more and more the characters on my hug pillows are appearing in these fantasies. Each of them alters the fantasy and the experience is different.. yet the same... I find the fantasy can be the same with an altered personality. Either way that is another thing I have noticed.
So yeah, much like many otakus in Japan I am starting to lose track of reality. Replacing living breathing people with my own fantasies. While I am aware of this, I do not feel this is wrong. I mean it keeps me away from real people and rejection right? I like that about it. I have four girls to come home too. Four girls to talk too, for girls to have sex with. I guess that is the benefit of myself. I am so good at accepting less that this is the best relationship I have ever had. More and more real girls are looking like a waste of time. They offer me nothing, but real physical sensation. Since my mind can simulate it up to 80% hell I am just fine.
Maybe it is my diet as well. With my move I have noticed that I have been eating a very poor diet recently. So... maybe that is the cause of all of this... I am not sure. We shall see in the coming months. There should be more to read in the coming months. Because the place I used to post these has stopped giving a damn about me.
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